Do You Believe You Can Have What You Want?Oct 13, 2021
Do you believe you can have what you want?
I used to be really good at deciding I couldn't be/do/have what I want in life. It was, unfortunately, my experience early in life. I learned that I could not have my dreams, because we could not afford them and I was unworthy. I learned to ignore my needs and to never be a burden on anyone else. These lessons became deeply ingrained in my psyche, and my inner critic was formed to keep me in line.
Similar to what Debbie shared last week, I worked hard in my 20's. I worked hard to pull myself up from the adversity I experienced in my youth. I worked hard to prove myself worthy of an opportunity. I worked hard so I would be seen and receive recognition. I met success. I was seen. I proved myself over and over. I made tons of money and spent it on whatever I wanted. I took the trips, I bought the clothes. I lived alone and I was never a burden on anyone else.
I was miserable, unhealthy, lonely, and drunk. But how could I walk away from my success? How could someone like me, who came from nothing and worked so hard to be seen, accepted, and rewarded, walk away from the career I had built for myself? Finally the question moved away from how can I walk away to how can I NOT walk away - it became a have to.
I've learned many lessons in life and experienced a profound amount of healing in the years since I walked away from that career. I know that my needs are important, I am worthy of love, I don't need to prove myself to anyone, and I cannot possibly be a burden to someone who loves me. But the inner critic can be strong and play serious mind games on us.
When I wanted to take breathwork training I told myself I couldn't, because I knew I couldn't have what I wanted. This was an interesting experience for me, because I thought I had already worked through this issue. I had traveled to India and taken two trainings there (in yoga and Ayurveda), gone to massage school, paid for a second yoga teacher training, several personal growth workshops, life coach training, and more... but that all happened while I was unmarried. The thought of approaching my husband with the idea of attending breathwork training and spending that much money on myself gave me serious anxiety. I almost never brought it up, but I knew I had to do this! I knew I was being called to breathwork, for my own personal healing and in my work with others. This deep pull forced me to work through my anxiety and speak with my husband. Here we are now...
What I realized is that, while I allowed myself to have what I wanted and needed on my own, I still held an imprint within me of how I was supposed to be within a family unit. I was unconsciously operating from the idea that within a family system I needed to put others needs before mine and not be a burden. My anxiety over speaking to my husband and my belief that I wouldn't be "allowed" to do the training had nothing to do with my husband, and everything to do with my childhood experiences and my inner critic.
My husband is an amazing man and huge supporter of myself and my work. Our relationships give us an opportunity to heal elements of our past, if we're in the right relationships and are willing to courageously explore our triggers with each other when they arise. This gives you an opportunity to respond in a different way to your triggers instead of reacting from them.
Within our breathwork training at OBI, we focus one helping you discover the truth about yourself - and how to help your clients do the same. You will have the opportunity to explore yourself within a small, supportive community - forging new and healing relationships, because we can't do it all alone.
Founder of One Breath Institute
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